Thursday, May 04, 2006

it hurts even more when u hurt someone. i know every stupid thing i did that make him unhappy. he can tolerate at first. but not forever. i m trying hard to change,i know he wont know if i dont say. cant expect him to know everything that's in my mind. i always make him unhappy. i admit that i think too much. that's my character. sometimes when things happen,i cant control myself to stop thinking. and after that,i'll feel better and know that i think too much. at that point when i feel unhappy,i made him sad too. he did tried to cheer me up. everyone will lose their mind sometimes. and when that time comes for me,i feel sad again. i understand that it is my choice to be happy or anot. but i dont know what to do. can see how girls are happy with their life. but i cant because of myself. i tried hard to look for a reason and ways to change. everything is very simple. but i just cant find the real solution to how to be happy. sometimes i think i was right,and he feels that he was right. but i end up keeping quiet. not that i dont want to communicate but to avoid quarrel. i know i will cry while talking. sounds like a kid. i dont know how to manage stress,and i can see he is getting tired of seeing me like that. at 1st he will console me,but now,he will just ignore. cant blame him. because he is tired. everything will change. sometimes words are too harsh to be digested. i dont learn in a hard way. i need time to think. everything is very simple,but yet i feel unhappy. but i m satified with my life. so what's happening to me? sorry means nothing i know. but yet i m sorry. i dont want to make someone i love unhappy. but i made this mistake now. how i wish i can start all over again. i know what he did for me,and he said that he knows it too. but i think his opinion will be changed after so much. how long can someone take my nonsense? i know he cares,but he is too tired now. haiz i m sorry. now i m not thinking too much le. cos i dont know what is there actually....

i m really putting in effort to change.not to think so much and try to open up. i need time too...